Whether you’ve dreamed of being a wife all of your life or that desire did not come to spark until later in life, no one could ever really prepare for married life. Not every offering of marriage advice is one size fits all. With that said, here is a countdown of the top ten things that I personally wish I was more conscious of before I married my amazing husband that I learned shortly after we said “I Do” and I hope it helps you…
#10) You Don’t ‘Really’ Know What You’re Getting Into
I have a very tenacious and fiercely loyal personality, especially when it comes to my closest relationships. Add to that, my steadfast, absolute belief of God’s sovereignty. In a sense, I am well equipped for the unexpected curveballs of marriage and life. In the years leading up to even meeting my husband, I studied everything about godly marriage, garnered wisdom from several good friends that are couples married 50-60 plus years, and watched countless marriage sermons. My naivity wasn’t that I thought everything would be wonderfully challenge-free in my marriage. Every newly married person will have a “blindsided” season, and it will look differently for each individual. What I was naive about was just how much the inevitable disappointments would actually hurt and how difficult they would be to navigate through. I pridefully went into marriage thinking I didn’t have unrealistic expectations, when I actually did. I knew my husband and I would hurt each other’s feelings throughout our lives, but I didn’t think my husband would ever actually create deep wounds in my heart; I didn’t think that I’d ever wound him. I believed after an initial period of getting annoyed by each other and experiencing a little bit of unmet expectations as we adjusted to married life that we would just ‘get each other’ as long as we were seeking God. What I underestimated was how The Lord would do His mighty work of sanctification in our hearts using each other as the prime catalyst for exposing our sinfulness, the actual scars caused by our baggage, and taking us to deeper paths to repentance. The Lord, in His Grace, blesses us not only with things that appear favorable but also with His discipline and with His refining furnace. He searches our hearts, as it says in Psalm 139:23-24, and makes us face all our ugly and excavates wounds we thought we dealt with but still have some healing work to look at. Like the perfect spiritual surgeon, God gets deep as deep goes into our souls to cleanse us of ourselves, purifying us to make us more like Christ. And He uses the person who has access to every part of you mind, body, heart and soul and lives with your flaws each day to bring all of that out so that He can redeem those broken pieces of you.
#9) Being Your Husband’s Best Friend Is More Important Than Sex
Exercising your marital privileges often and passionately is extremely important to any husband (AND wife, for that matter, ayyy!), but the shocking truth is your friendship is more important to him than that. While thinking of ways to spice up the marital bed, we’re also thinking of ways to nurture being best friends. It leaks into everything in your marriage dynamic — how you work as a team through life, how you navigate conflict, the generosity of your listening and communicating skills, the effectiveness of your encouragement to each other, how you seek The Lord together, and yes, “Mommy & Daddy’s Special Time” too. Think of what it means to be a fantastic friend and translate that into the way you relate to your husband. If the friendship is already strong then do some unexpected things to deepen that bond. Commit to learning something new about your spouse every month and spark interesting conversations from it, preferably on one of your regular date nights. Try new experiences as frequently as it is feasible. If money is tight, you can either get frugally creative or you can try to put a little bit away at a time for a set period of time and it can be a shared dream to accomplish together. I had my husband and I each write several activities on a piece of paper and put them into a small box. Each month we’ll pick a new activity and it will be something we try to do together, and we give ourselves all month to get to it so there’s no pressure if one week happens to be more hectic than another. Some example activities: cooking a large pizza from scratch together, rib cook-off contest, being big kids at the trampoline park, a romantic picnic at the park (or on our living room floor if it’s a snow day), volunteer for a local charity for an afternoon, teach each other a new skill, etc.
#8) Snoring Will Be a Bigger Problem Than You Might Think
I confess. I snore loudly. So does my husband, and so does our dog. The problem is, my snoring keeps my poor husband from sleeping while his and our dog’s snoring doesn’t bother me in the slightest. If anything, it is quite comforting to me. I used to be annoyed that my husband didn’t see my snoring as comforting (I’m LOL’ing at myself as I am typing this! How silly). But I’ve learned to address my snoring as a real problem that prevents my partner-in-life-for-life from getting restful sleep. As soon as I start my snoozing seranade he tosses and turns, which wakes me up and then we’re both not sleeping well. Moral of the story: What seems trite to one spouse will be very important to the other — so have empathy. When your spouse asks you to find a solution to a problem you have little control of, do not take it personally and do not dismiss it as just something that you can’t do anything about. Working together on a solution, we are actually getting better sleep throughout the night. But I had to really humble myself and take my defenses down as a first step to getting there. Humility, patience, compassion, etc… those qualities come easily when I’m interacting with everyone else. With my husband, because we are so close and comfortable with each other, those things are easier to forget than practice. Be intentional about how humble, patient, and compassionate you are with your life’s teammate.
#7) Check-In with Your Spouse On How You Can Love Them Better
Can I be real with you? Women get so thirsty for a dude when they know he’s got a wife. I don’t necessarily mean women in your sphere of influence, although that could be the case in your individual situation. But even just at the grocery store, when lonely, immoral women see my husband and I walk hand in hand and they catch a glimpse of our wedding rings let’s just say they have no shame in either subtle or overt displays of their lust for my man. Now, I know that no matter what anyone else thinks or does regarding my husband that he loves me and takes his vows to me and to God very seriously. Eric guards his heart and eyes, so I know I don’t have anything to ‘worry’ about. Even so, when I see the way women behave around my husband it gives me a healthy jealousy (wasn’t at all the case in the past, whew! Praise the Lord for working that out in me and still perfecting that work). That jealousy is a nudge to, instead of getting mad at him for being a stud and a keeper, ask myself the challenging question of “Am I loving my husband well to where he is just thrilled to be married to me?” Then I would turn that question over to my husband to get his feedback. Since he and I practice complete transparency, I can trust that he will always give me an honest answer and I have to be willing to hear things that may be hard pills to swallow. But, from my desire to honor the Lord by way of my commitment to love and serve my husband I will take his feedback to heart and do my best to make improvements. I’ll also tell him if the changes are unreasonable or contrary to the core of who I am, but the vast majority of the time they are easy changes to make (i.e. wearing my hair a certain way or dressing in cute loungewear or casual chic on weekends rather than walk around the house in my PJs all day, haha). Eric happily does the same for me. We’re still learning not to take each other’s feedback personally, but we are far better at it now than much earlier in our marriage. Now, this is not a foolproof way of making sure either spouse is absolutely ‘thrilled’ with the other spouse 100% of the time. If that is what anyone expects from marriage then the person with that belief is setting themselves up for a lot of unneccessary disappointment. My reason for including this here is more of a best practice suggestion. Checking in with your spouse on how they feel you can love them better is a good thing to do every now and then, not to get a result or to force your spouse to be happier with you by doing things they prefer you amp up… that would be manipulation rooted in insecurity. This practice is purely to the benefit of your spouse because you want to be aware of additional ways you can bless them… that is real, sacrificial love.
#6) You CAN Go To Bed Angry
A very popular piece of marriage advice is to not go to bed angry. It is based on what Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger”. But let’s face it — that is not always practical or healthy. One or both of you may be too exausted and not in the right frame of mind to sort things out in that particular moment. Rather than dragging things out in that state and likely causing more damage than problem-solving, sometimes it is best to agree to address issues the next day (or make an appointment within a reasonable timeframe), go to sleep and start afresh the next day with a rested mind and body that will naturally awaken new mercies for your spouse. This was a tough lesson for me to come to grips with, as I am the sort of person that will stay up all night to hash things out if that’s what it takes to come to a resolution before the day’s done. But I’ve learned that out of love and grace for my husband, our health, and letting go of pride (the kind that says “I can get us to fix this NOW”) that it is better for our marriage to just go to bed angry. Allow me to back this up with Scripture. The verse after Ephesians 4:26 says, “and give no opportunity to the devil”. The devil prowls like a roaring lion waiting to devour, as another portion of The Bible tells us. Anger is a passive emotion that we feel based on our assumptions, misunderstandings, past baggage triggers, or even our righteous judgements . Anger in itself is not sinful. It is how we deal with that anger that displays our choice of holiness or sinfulness. The devil preys on opportunities like our sinful reactions to anger, exasperating those behaviors with tempations to sin out of our anger more intensely. If we keep in mind the context of what Paul writes in Ephesians 4:20-28 (source: GotQuestions.org), it would be logical to understand verse 26-27 as a call to making a priority of dealing with anger appropriately, lest we give opportunity to the devil to sow bitterness, resentment, and other sinful fruit to grow which inevitably leads to more sinful thoughts, words, and actions. Therefore, the important lesson is not to make it a point to “never go to bed angry” as a hard and fast rule. What is important is to make dealing with the issues making you angry a priority and in a wise manner so as to keep the devil from wreaving havoc in your dynamic… and sometimes that means going to bed angry… but waking up with fresh perspective to tackle the issue as a team the next day.
#5) It’s Easier To Let Yourself Go Than You Think
In past relationships, even serious ones that I thought were headed toward marriage, I never had any trouble keeping up with my gym time, having a healthy social life with my gal pals, and making time for hobbies and doing other things that delight my soul while still making time for the guy. I thought those habits would be a breeze to carry through married life. But something happens in a woman’s heart and mind when she’s safe in the arms of the love of her youth, knowing that vows have been made and his commitment is forever. Those habits become less of a priority because the comfort of being secure in your own little nucleus of a household just feels too good. But for a variety of reasons that I will get into in another blog post, you should get intentional about keeping fit, nurturing your girl time, and enjoying a hobby or two, even pampering yourself with an at-home spa routine and making a little bit of effort to look put together and attractive (as long as you don’t cross the line into sheer vanity). Doing so in a balanced way that won’t intrude into your responsibilities will benefit not just yourself, but you are really caring for your husband and children in the long-run. Happy wife, happy life right? It’s not just up to your husband to make that happen. It starts with looking to Jesus as the Living Water for your quenched soul then out of your close relationship with Him, the ability to take care of yourself and others flows.
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#4) Your Spouse Is Your Greatest Ministry, Marriage Is Among Your Highest Callings
In this age of Christianity being dominated by mega churches, global movements, and an unhealthy emphasis on outreach for its own sake, it seems that the cart gets put before the horse in terms of meaningful church life. Yes, God gave us a Great Commission as described in Matthew 28. However, the zeal for accomplishing ‘great things for God’ has overshadowed the significance and extraordinary beauty of well… being ordinary. God gave us a Great Commission, indeed, but we would be remiss if we do not take notice that most of God’s commands in the Bible actually apply to home life, marriage, family, and the local church and community. In other words, we should not neglect or dismiss the importance of tending to some of God’s commands in order to do another command He’s given us. There are five types of covenants in the Bible which were made between God and His people; you can read about them in this article by GotQuestions.org. God also makes a covenant between two people, a man and a woman, who enters marriage with each other; you can find some of many scriptures about marriage as a covenant with God here. The word covenant can be most simply described as a sacred spiritual union. I would also add that it is a promise of sacrificial love that is unbreakable, unchangeable and permanent. With all of God’s covenants, I want to point out a couple of compelling and sobering similarities between them:
- God always and perfectly holds up His end faithfully and justly while mankind is grievously flawed in walking out that covenant.
- All covenant types ultimately point to The Gospel and point to the hope embodied in Jesus Christ.
I am not at all saying that we are to prioritize our marriage, children, and home in such a way that they turn into idols. What I am saying is that the fruit of our walk with God ought to first flow into our household and from there it can flow outward into everything else. Why? If our marriages have the unique purpose of illustrating a living, breathing picture of The Gospel (read more about that here) then where do you suppose God wants our earthly priorities to be first and foremost as we live our Christian life? Is it in the lost? Yes, but only after you have poured into your spouse, then your children, then your church family, and then you can pour into the lost. Of course, we are going to do so imperfectly, and there are seasons of life where you have to discuss with your spouse and with your family how priorities will shift temporarily but do not be so consumed with ministry, outreach, and the lost that you neglect the precious gifts God has given you that is your spouse and children. The Holy Spirit will empower you supernaturally to love them if you abide closely in Christ, seek His heart first, and ask Him for the wisdom and strength to do so unto His glory. Here are a few resources that may be helpful to expand on this:
Article: John Piper – Marriage, God’s Showcasing of Covenant Keeping Grace
Article: John Piper – Is A Similar Sense of Calling Required For Marriage?
Video: Paul Washer – Is Your Spouse More Important Than Children And Ministry?
Video: Paul Washer – The Glory of God In Marriage
Video: Voddie Bauchum – Love and Marriage Sermon Series
I will do a separate post that will go more in depth on this topic in the near future.
#3)Preferring Your Spouse Before Yourself
This wonderful tip was actually from a dear Sister-In-Christ that I sang in the church praise team with back when I was in Florida. She’s been married to her husband for over 40 years and they are a great example of a godly, united couple. Her advice is an iteration of Romans 12:10, “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” and Matthew 16:24, “Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” Dying to ourselves like it says in Matthew 16:24 in order to do Romans 12:10. I received these wise words from my friend wholeheartedly. However, when it came time to actually do life with someone everyday as one flesh, my husband and I each found it was much easier said than done. We’re human. We have needs, preferences, varying approaches to getting things done. Sometimes, meeting in the middle is just not feasible. Choosing to let the other person have their way, for the happiness and comfort of your spouse and for the health of the marriage is the way to go. I grew up in a Chinese-American home, and this practice of affectionately conceding to someone soley to their benefit, in the Cantonese language, is called “jou”. Doing so without bitterness and resentment is also something that goes against our sinful nature. But when both spouses are doing this, love grows deeper over time. I am so thankful to my friend for her advice which primed my heart for what was ahead with grounded perspective. Her husband’s advice to Eric and I on our wedding day is next…
#2) Seek The Lord Together As One
As important as it is not to lose sight of the fact we are two unique people that needs to keep up our individual walks with The Lord, it is just as crucial not to neglect seeking God together as the one flesh that you are. You’d be surprised how easy it is early on in marriage to forget coming together as a couple to seek The Lord. It is natural for us to get focused only on our own spiritual journey in good times, or allow ourselves to succumb to pride and bitterness in tough times rather than moving towards our spouse to seek the Lord with them. Our tendency as sinners is to drift apart rather than gravitate towards unity. With the enemy’s all out spiritual assault on marriage (and women, children, and biblical manhood), it is even more important now than ever before for husbands and wives to be united as light in the darkness of this world – that is part of what marriage is created for (read more about the purpose of marriage here). Satan wants to attack godly married couples and their relationship ferociously and relentlessly to render us ineffective as sharers of The Gospel; not that the power of The Gospel message, clearly and faithfully delivered, isn’t enough to save sinners but The Gospel gains credibility with the listener by how they see you live your life. If you correctly share The Gospel with someone but they see you treating your spouse badly in public, they are far less likely to really consider the truth that you shared as being credible or authentic.
#1) Grace, Grace, for Goodness Sake, GRACE!!
No amount of marriage prepation could have truly made me realize how much grace is needed on a daily basis — for your husband, your kids, and for yourself. How easy it is to forget, both in the mundane and the whirlwind of life, that we are all broken sinners in need of daily grace from our Heavenly Father. With that being said, why wouldn’t we be more willing and intentional about giving grace to others because of the abundant grace being poured out unto us day by day? If you and your spouse become very good at giving grace and forgiving one another, consider yourselves blessed that this area of your marriage is well-influenced by Christ. The kind of grace necessary for loving a fellow broken sinner unconditionally can only be empowered by The Holy Spirit, whose purpose is to help us to be more like Christ and to exalt Him. Thus, the closer we abide in Jesus and remember the marvel of The Gospel in relation to what we were saved from; the deeper we go into the rich truths of Scripture and etch those truths in our hearts, the less we walk in our flesh and the more we walk in the Spirit. We may display more and evermore the fruit of the Spirit: patience, kindness, goodness, joy, peace, faithfulness, gentleness/meekness, and self-control. All of these things requires God’s grace to bring us to humility in our realization of our desperate need for Jesus moment to moment — we cannot muster up these things by our own power. And it is the fact that only by God’s grace were we given the Helper (Holy Spirit) upon salvation that we could even have the same power that resurrected Christ from the grave living within us so that we could be shaped into holiness all the days of our lives.
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)