At 38 years of age, I have looked back over the years and saw God’s sovereign, loving, supremely wise hand at work in and through my life. I am no longer the wounded, shivering little girl of my childhood. I am not the naïve, overly confident gal of my twenties either. As I approach my forties I am also seeing God take the peace, security, and patience that He instilled throughout my thirties (after coming out of the other side of many hardships, which you’ll read about in future posts) and stretch them even further. Thank you for walking with me in this journey. Through this and upcoming blog posts, I hope to share the undeserved mercies by God’s grace alone (Latin: “sola gratia”) that has abounded in my sola gratia life.
My Childhood
It was not a bad one. I have wonderful memories and my parents worked hard to provide everything I needed. A few sweet friendships were enjoyed and I even accomplished many things in school. I won first prize in the 5th grade Science fair, received a signed response letter from the President of The United States regarding my concerns about animal conservation. Various art and writing awards filled my bookshelf. However, there was a darkness in my little heart – a despair and a loneliness that made me question my very existence. I grew up in a very non-Christian home. My mother was a typical Chinese “Tiger Mom”. Most of my memories of my mom from childhood have been incessant screaming statements of degradation at me. There were many memories of my mom literally pushing me away when I tried to hug and kiss her. I also have memories of swipes at my face with anything that was within reach: electrical cords, rolled up magazines, shoes. Everything in the house was fair game. Thus, I was convinced my mother hated me, and I was convinced my father didn’t think I was worth protecting. My dad was absorbed in running his businesses. However, I don’t think it was the exhaustion from being a workaholic that caused him to mindlessly flip through TV channels, pretending he didn’t see or hear the way my mother treated me daily. In all actuality, he just did not know what to do with me. He did not know how to be a daughter’s father. Dad made it known to everyone he talked to that he has no sons, to his dismay. It was enough to make a girl wonder where she could find her worth. But God. It was in Christ that quenched the thirst my soul yearned and provided the anchor my heart needed. God has changed my relationship with my parents. Things between my parents and I are very good now. These days, my parents are very verbally and physically affectionate to me, and our bond is finally becoming closer. The catalyst for change was The Gospel.
Coming to Christ
When I was seventeen, Mom decided to enroll me in the youth program at a Chinese Baptist church. Her goal was to have me meet more kids of my ethnicity and to rub elbows with their wealthy parents. Eventually, Youth Group became less about seeing my friends and more about my love for Jesus deepening. Going through the book of Romans was pivotal to The Father drawing me in. One teaching stuck out to me the most. It was the fact that Jesus loves me more than anyone ever could not ‘because’ of me but ‘despite’ me. You mean the Creator and Sustainer of all the universe chose me before the foundation of the world? This Holy God did not choose me because of my merits, but purely because He is sovereign and good? My entry to heaven, a place with no sin or tears is a free gift by grace alone through faith alone? That truth hit home for me one evening when my mother’s abuse sent me running to my room crying out to God for comfort and strength. I opened my Bible and The Lord illuminated 2 Corinthians 1:5 to me:
“For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.” (2 Corinthians 1:5)
I thought of how rejected and alone I felt, but how Christ suffered the same a thousand times worse. But Jesus suffered as part of the plan to redeem humanity because of His great love. I was despairing because I was not being loved the way I wanted my parents to (which is a right desire, but not one that I should place all my hope, self-worth and satisfaction). God’s grace shined upon me in a tangible, supernatural way. The scriptures were so alive – Isaiah 49:13, Deuteronomy 31:8, The Psalms all overwhelmed my heart with unexplainable peace and wonder. The wonderment was not because it felt good to acknowledge Jesus as the Son of God and my Redeemer, although it was an incredible feeling. God showed me that He is absolutely, exclusively Holy. God showed me my total depravity and need to repent and be washed by the blood of Jesus. It was God granting His gracious and precious gift of saving faith (see John 20:31, John 6:44 and Ephesians 2:8). From that day forward, I have hope and the embodiment of that hope is Jesus Christ.
The Future Is Bright
After I was saved, the next 20 years would be a tumultuous yet amazing journey of growing in maturity and godliness. Along the way, I made devastating mistakes, experienced tragedies (such as my fiancé committing suicide), and wrestled with forgiving my parents for my wounds. And you know what? Jesus was in the midst of every moment comforting and fortifying me through the ministry of The Word and The Holy Spirit. Again and again, He made God’s promises a reality in my heart, mind, and soul. He also convicted me and disciplined me; led me to repentance many times over. All of this is fueled by His Grace. The beauty of it is that this process of purification never ceases this side of heaven. At two years until forty, have I arrived as a woman? Far from it. Will I be at age forty? Probably not. But I am a woman in Christ, and God calls me to holiness (see 1 Thessalonians 4:7). Therefore, I will continue to submit myself to His leading, refuge and pruning, trusting that Jesus has already paid the price for my portion in His Kingdom, so I can be secure knowing that He sustains my sanctification in this life.
“For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.” (Hebrews 10:14)
The above is expounded in more detail in Shauna’s upcoming book “A Sinner Living By Grace Alone” to be released in Summer 2023.